I'm crazy insecure. I frankly don't know how I got this way. Maybe it was growing up with out a father constantly trying to make up for it with different dreams. Or maybe it was my mother juggling so many things that I felt left out a lot. Or maybe it's the last few years when things have gotten at their worst. Or maybe its just me. I think back and I can't remember a time when I didn't feel bad about myself. I know i'm not entirely unattractive or horrible, but I still can't help this feeling of complete ugliness. All the people I've ever met that I thought were truly beautiful weren't beautiful because of how they looked per-say but because of who they were as people. Even models who everyone revers as being beautiful are usually gawky and strange looking but they're beautiful because they're confident. And I'm just not.
The past couple years have been the worst because i've constantly been bogged down. Every time I lost the extra pounds or got a compliment there was something that ripped the rug out from under my feet. Especially things with A.Grey. It hurts to think that i'm not good enough for even my husband but thats how it's become. And now i'm this estranged insecure sad little person who lives her life at home watching soap operas and wondering if A.Grey is going to do something to hurt me again.
And now I read this and I realize: this blog is supposed to be about finding happiness. Not complaining every day about how i'm unhappy? REWIND!
This needs to be focused on other people. I need to be focused on other things. If I spend my entire life wondering if my hair looks like the correct amount of messiness or if i'm thin enough i'm going to drive myself crazy! So from now on each posting is going to be a tip for my readers (whoever they are) on how to be happy. :)
Pursuit of Happiness: Rewiring an idea to fit a new situation can have an awesome outcome.
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