I was in the middle of making a banana cream and dark chocolate pie with a lemon/ginger crust and my husband walks in the kitchen to cook pasta. Immediately I was thrown off my cooking game. My stomach started aching, my head was pounding, I forgot the ingredients, and I started hating what I was making. Thats when I came to the realization that I still have some serious deep seeded issues with my husband.
The day was like any other day. I woke up and took care of High Voltage Violet watching her jump from mess to mess getting into as much trouble as a 10 month old can get into. I cleaned, cooked, argued with a friend, sent a nasty message to an enemy, boggled my head on where next to go in my book, and finished off with a nice salad for dessert. I've been kind of a walking blob lately. I've just felt completely out of tune with myself. It's mostly due to the fact that I'm burnt out when it comes to writing. I've been doing 50,ooo words a month and taking care of a child and trying to fix a marriage. It gets to be pretty hard work. So for the past couple of days i've let myself be distracted by things I love like cooking. Until my husband trekked into the kitchen and cooked a mean pasta.
You see, for the seven years i've known him we've been through a lot. We've gone through being poor, young, working through drug addictions, "porn" addictions, having a baby, feeling abandoned, abusive tendencies, and jealousy. I've gone just as much as he's done probably. But little by little he's kind of destroyed any confidence I had in what ever I was doing. Because when you take an overzealous over achiever with a low self esteem and pair her with a golden boy from southern Florida you're bound to end in a pit fall. First it was the addictions, then it was the abandonment, then it was the pushing, the jealousy, and then it was the self esteem. Aaron has a way of making everyone in the room looking at him. He's so charismatic and nice to be around. But he's also super competitive and one of his main goals is to beat me into the ground at everything. Every passion i've had i've learned to let go because he had to be better at it. Especially cooking which is one of my favorites. So, when I began to bake the pie today and he walked by all I could think about were the critiques and faces he would make when he ate it. How horrible it was or how it needed this spice or that topping. It made me loose it all together.
But then I thought of my blog. And I thought of the long term out comes of being upset by the situation. I could just give up on the pie right then, sulk in the corner and play with my child's blocks until he tried to out-do me at a Lego making contest. Or I could take a deep breath, realize that being happy is a process and if I don't try i'll never achieve it, and keep going. So thats what I did. I let it roll right off the red sports sweater I was wearing and onto the flour covered floor. It's not that I was pushing it down forever only to burst out at the least possible moment or that I was going to let him get away with it. It was just that I was letting myself try without the golden boy critic getting too ahead of me.
So todays lesson:
The Pursuit of Happiness #2: Getting distracted by pie always helps!
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